Dear Chip,

My boyfriend and I are of different races, nationalities, and cultures. Normally the difference between us isn’t something that drives us apart, but that gives us more to talk about and learn from each other. Some of our most special moments together are when we are sharing pieces of our different backgrounds together. I should mention, he is Kenyan, and I am American. Obviously, I don’t have any issue with our differences. Our circumstances are abnormal, and I love that about us. Our problems come with the in-laws. My boyfriend, let’s call him Pumpernickel, gets along swimmingly in my household, and in person, his parents are quite sweet to me, but it’s what happens when I’m not around that concerns me most. When I am not around, his parents say things like, “When will you go and get a Kenyan girlfriend?” and they do their best to encourage him not to come and see me. They never refer to me by my name, instead opting to call me “Collins” (as in the name of my neighborhood). They also refuse to acknowledge us as a couple even though we’ve been together for over a year now.

I want to think the best of them. I want to believe that they meant it when they told Pumpernickel that they were doing all this because they didn’t want him to bother me too much, or when they said they were afraid my father was racist (Even though my father makes my boyfriend food when he comes over and pep talks him before job interviews), but it’s hard to believe they have our best interest in mind when they say various things about how a Kenyan girl would be better. I can’t help but feel ostracized. I want a family, and I want them to be a part of it. I’ve always dreamed of having what I never could as a child, but I don’t want those feelings to stop me from seeing when people want me, and when they don’t. I can’t tell if I’m being biased because of my childish fantasies, or if what they have been saying and doing is crossing a line. I’ve temporarily stopped going over to their house because I don’t want to be around people that don’t want to be around me, but I know that it breaks pumpernickel’s heart that I can’t be comfortable in his home. I know that eventually, I will have to see them again. I just don’t know what to do.

I guess what I really want to know is how to approach the situation. Should stay the course under the pretense that what they are doing is wrong, or should I try to approach them and risk straining the relationship between us further, or worse, finding out the real reason they don’t want me around.

Sincerely yours,

White Bread.

Dear White Bread,

I understand that interracial dating can be difficult when a majority dates a minority. In the world we live in today, interracial dating should be considered normal by now. Everyone should be able to accept that interracial relationships are going to happen. But do not think that just because interracial relationships are here to stay, everyone is going to warm up to that particular idea.

I need you to understand something White Bread: every race has its own opinions about every other race. As a black woman—African American if you must, I would like to think I know something about this. In the African American community, many, despite what you see in the media, look down on interracial relationships. Now, there might be a few that do not care, but there are plenty that does. “No matter how much they claim they love you and understand you, no one but your people will understand what we as a people went through and are still going through.” That saying is taught to almost every African American person. And in reality, they are right. No one will completely understand what black people as a unit went through except our kind.

Now, in your case, you are dealing with pure Africans. And to be honest, the reason why they do not want you dating their son is quite simple. It is not because you are white—though that could partially be the reason; they would act that way to any other race, including my own. I have that feeling they would react worse to a black person. As mentioned before, I consider myself African American. I am of African descent but was born in America. Of course, I have biracial grandparents that are mixed with Native American, but I consider myself African American. To African people, I would be purely American. They feel we are not worthy enough to carry the African descent with us. I take their criticism as if they think my people were stupid enough to get caught (which is dumb to me). Not all African people are like this; some feel that black people are African American. But some do not.

In Conclusion, I think you should talk to them head-on. My assumptions could be completely off, and they might not like you for a different reason than your race. But you and I both know that is not true. Make sure if you do talk to them, you are calm and in the right head-space. There is one thing that is bothering me, it’s the fact that this is weighing heavy on you. You are too young to be thinking of a relationship that probably will not last past high school. Think about college, maintaining your grades, and learning about yourself. Your mind should not be consumed with assumptions as to why Pumpernickel’s parents do not like you. Try and focus on things that make you better in life. Live life for yourself, confident and happy. Do not let something as simple as a man’s parents get in the way of your happiness. I understand that the rejection hurts. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like you. And if you two have a strong bond like you made it sound, then you should be fine. If it’s meant to be, then it will be.

Best of Luck,

Chip