Dear Chip #3: “The Person Missing You”

Dear Chip #3:

Dear Chip,

You know “teenage love”? It sucks, especially at a young age. I fell in love, truly. You know people don’t believe it and say you could never, you yet to even know the meaning of love. It isn’t true. I don’t believe I am IN love with .. let’s name him J… I do love him you know? but I don’t believe he is my person, at least not anymore. Young love is so confusing, every single teen is growing up and realizing what they want how they want etc. I used to think it was right person wrong timing. I guess I still do. J has done so much damage to me, mentally that is. I lost trust in people, I began to believe everyone would do what he had done. My heart used to ache at thinking of him. Tears would fill my eyes when our mutual friends brought him up. I don’t hate people , I just don’t believe in hatefulness. Though I thought hating him was easier than loving him. So I did. We see each other around the halls, never speak, i don’t check on him and he doesn’t check on me. I hope he learns to cherish the best parts of life. I hope he succeeds in everything he loves to do. I hope he gets everything in life. I hope he has the best senior year next year, I hope he gets into the college he’s dreamt of, I hope he gets every car he’s ever wanted, he loves them. Anyways,life got so much better, I am happy! I have lovely friends, I have an amazing family, and so on. But there are times I still think back.

I guess my question is, have you ever lost anyone, maybe not by death but by y’alls connection? possibly a sibling, a parent, friend, significant other, or a cousin. did it break your heart? how’d you function with your heart aching?

Sincerely, the person missing you

 

 

Dear The Person Missing You,

It really sucks, what you’re going through, and I empathize with you because I have gone through something similar. I’m glad you’re happy now, and that you’re better, even though you still think of the past sometimes. I do too.

The connection I lost is probably one-sided, due more to my own fault than anyone else. But it still broke me.

You see, I used to be a very family-oriented person. I lived in a house without multiple people coming and going constantly. My older sister with her kids would come and live with us when goings got tough, my uncles and aunts would visit whenever they had the chance, and other children roughly mine and my sister’s age in the family would always sleep over. I was quite spoiled when it came to love because there were just so many people to give it. It was loud and boisterous, and entirely too stuffy sometimes, as you can probably imagine. I thrived.

But when I was nine, my father fell in love with a woman, we’ll call her Nancy, who convinced him to move out and bring me and my younger sister with them. We moved far enough away that it was sometimes a hassle to drive and visit everyone. And at first everything was okay; Dad was in love and happy, and me and my sister were quickly making new friends. And then things spiraled.

Nancy became more and more judgmental, muttering nasty things to herself all the time, drinking and starting arguments every now and then. She never wanted us to be in contact with our family, she’d often accuse out Dad of cheating if he so much as talked to them on the phone. We rarely got to see them. The loud and boisterous atmosphere I so thrived in was replaced by a cold and silent one that was shattered every so often by the sounds of the adults fighting- verbally and sometimes physically.

We had to stay isolated with her for five years. And every year it was like Nancy managed to worm her sorry way further and further into my mind, telling me every bad thing about myself, making me hate myself. I was a very different person by the end of that, we all were.

And by the end of it, when I was able to move back and see my family again for the first time in years, it was hard to connect with them. I felt distanced from the niece that used to run around all day with, playing hide-and-seek, and the cousin that I was once so close to was nothing more than a stranger. I became painfully aware that I had changed, from a happy and quite spoiled child to a quiet teenager who flinched when people got too loud or moved too suddenly. Things couldn’t just go back to the way they were before, as if Nancy had never existed. I had to reconnect and reform old bonds that I used to think were unbreakable. Some of them I were never quite able to get back.

To answer your question, yes; I have lost people before. And yes, it broke my heart very badly. It still does when I think about, just like with you. I function by surrounding myself with people that make me happy. Family and friends who hype me up, and don’t mind that sometimes I’m very awkward, and are always there for me and are always trying to see me even when her voice in my mind tells me I’m not worth it.

I chase away that ache in my heart by filling it with something sweet and hopeful and bright. The love of the people closest to me, and my own self-love that I worked very hard to have. And when the ache gets too bad, I don’t beat myself up for crying. I recognize that crying can be therapeutic, and that I always have someone there for me when I need to talk to someone. And I let that bright and hopeful something surround me again.

I hope I was of some help to you, even the tiniest bit.

Sincerely,

Chip