40 days

I never knew how much I’d miss.

It makes me sad.

I miss my friend’s laughter after I tell a dumb joke

I miss the smell of the cafeteria chicken tenders and the honey mustard used to cover the taste

I miss the thrill of sneaking around at 2am on scout campouts

I miss holding my boyfriend’s hand walking from 4th period to 5th

I miss procrastinating and living in the moment

Now moments drag on for hours and procrastination is part of my daily routine

It feels like my life doesn’t have meaning anymore

Before, I had a purpose

Now I’m just alive

every day seeming l o n g e r with no end

Nobody knows when it will end

what if it never does

What if we are eternally trapped in this never-ending cycle?

I never knew how much I’d miss life.

It hasn’t even been that long since life was normal

40 days

this has given me lots of time to think

I’ve learned a few things about myself

1. 40 days is all it takes for me to crumble
2. I can’t go 2 days without crying
3. I’m really good at overthinking everything
4. I have very strange dreams

I never realized how much life was constantly surrounding me

I notice people more now

I see them walking, jogging, biking, and for a second, life seems normal again.

the worst feeling is when I lie awake at night thinking about my loneliness

thinking maybe I have always been this lonely

thinking maybe I’m always just too busy to notice how lonely I really am

I’ve had too much time to think

too much thinking.

I almost started crying just because my math teacher sent out a nice message

I’m unstable

too unstable.

Nature has been a saving grace through it all

It is blooming and bursting with life

Sometimes

I wish I was a bird

they seem happy

they fly around all day building nests and eating worms

maybe I’m glad I’m not a bird.

maybe I’m going crazy

It hasn’t even been that long since life was normal.