For context, the song contains lyrics like “I wanna be your vacuum cleaner,” “let me be your coffee pot,” “let me be the portable heater,” and “I want to be your setting lotion, hold your hair in deep devotion”

If I may start simply, curse you.
May all the displeasures of literacy fall on your respective heads for making me hear and relate to such metaphors. This song is an abomination and an insult to classic poets, characteristically only to be approved by Shakespeare himself, the ambiguous word-playing idiot.
How dare you find such a niche ideal of this generation and our relations that you find so specific an analogy to describe love in so ridiculous a manner, and how dare you make it relatable?
The manner in which you have provided a cursed perspective on so sacred a topic, the pride of sonnets and set rhyme scheme you have desecrated with the comparisons of a generation honed in memes, a sense of humor unknown to previous time periods.
Even the low silk of your vocal chords, Alex Turner, cannot excuse the absurd and confusingly accurate allusions to household items to which you intend to make the listener sympathetic.
In conclusion, my mind has been warped by this piece, but even I must grudgingly admit that…it’s a pretty good song.